Oh, where to initiate? The movie, co-produced by Wayne Rogers (Trapper John from M*A*S*H) is a bit difficult to follow, which is not one itsy-bitsy bit surprising seeing that it is the directorial brainchild of Ted V. Mikels. The station is fairly typical B movie fare, but has a few subplots and distractors to preserve the viewer on their toes. The movie shows off the great talents of Tura Satana as remarkable as possible in the lead role of ruthless Chinese scrutinize. She and her two henchmen (one is a Hispanic man who may be supposed to be Cuban, all we know is that he likes to dance around with his switchblade a lot, the other is a cranky dilapidated coot who reminds me of Abe Vigoda with constipation) are trying to come by the secrets of lunatic scientist John Carradine’s Astro Zombie project. When John enters the film, the problems launch.
Carradine and his conveniently restful French Igor character, ‘Franchot”, work in a lab in a spacious mansion bringing encourage people from the boring. This is not a friendly space. While Tura is comely (as are the righteous lab assistant women we meet later), and the spies vs. the CIA subplot is kind of racy, as soon as they present the lab I cringe because only one thing happens there: Carradine explains every painful cramped bit of his procedures to Franchot is pseudo-science technobabble like “We must feed this memory circuit through the emotional quotient rectifier!” This impartial never ends. Apparently Wayne Rogers picked up a physics textbook, flipped to the glossary and started writing. Man, the Carradine stuff is impartial painful. The only thing that is profitable about John’s lab is his equipment. He has all the bubbling test tubes, of course, but when he is doing his dirty work he straps what looks for all the world like a colander to his victims head; no doubt it has something to do with the dekrelnification redundancy circuiting of the gauss plasma ion generator of the prefrontal cortex of the brain stem. (But I digress. Of course John will explain you what it’s for; I must have dozed for a second during that monologue.)
Eventually, the cops gather alive to and open looking for the Astro Zombies, who are, of course, on a killing spree. There are many region cul-de-sacs to be negotiated, including my common which involves the absolute lamest ‘exotic’ dance that I have ever seen in a movie; yes, even worse than in Mikels’ powerful better “Girl In The Gold Boots”, from 1969 (and notably starring the same male lead.) The three spies lug around a radio detector thing that makes the steady same sounds as Spock’s panel on Star Fling, and locate Carradine’s lab. The spies try to hijack the Astro Zombies, but Carradine sees the error of his ways, and the superb guys note up. For some reason the head lawman (we aren’t positive what agency they are from, but are led to infer the CIA) brings his girlfriend to the bust. It is a wild melee and justice is served. I particularly like the John Carradine/Tura Satana joint death scene and the zombie with a machete.
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This movie has some fun spots for awful movie fans like me. It has some hilarious scenes, like when the zombie holds a flashlight to the photocells in his forehead to secure recharged. It also has some classic day/night confusion a la Ed Wood, and this is compounded by the fact that some of the film is blueprint too sunless, especially when the spies and CIA guys are having a shootout in the apartment complex (I may be unpleasant, but that apartment complex looks to me to be the sincere same one from Mikels’ later film “The Corpse Grinders”. Did Ted live there? ) The wacky region and all it’s needless but fun twists are vast pluses, but I honest couldn’t give it more than three stars for the great chunk of John Carradine rambling on about infusing the memory proteins in the hydrogen recombiners, or something like that. Superb luck!
Lets face it. The point in making a movie like Astro Zombies is not to earn an Oscar, it is to purchase 10K$ and turn it into 50K$. The flick opens with a comely middle musty woman driving what is now a vintage Mustang convertable through her “Malibu” neighborhood while listening to upbeat elevator music on the radio. I know this because the camera made a point to film the radio twice. Well as soon as she parks her car in the garage, even with the barking dog outside trying to warn her, an Astro Zombies’ smoke awe goes off and she gets nailed. A promising beginning eh.
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We have a host of bumbling C I A men trying to track down the zombie. How we ever survived the icy war is a mystery to me. Now the spies: Satana,representing Red China. Juan, representing Cuba. Yes, and there was an Oaf from the DDR. Satana had to be the worst discover in history. The only interrogation she performed was on one of the Bumble Bureau agents. She asked him. “Who are you? ” (Something Juan had already learned from his wallet ID.) When he doesn’t respond she burns him with a cigarette and tells the others to slay him.Alas, cigarettes were only .30$ a pack aid then, so she could afford to have a puny fun. Then when she finally confronts Carradine who plays the enraged scientist that created the zombies, she tells him they want his knowledge. Lo’ and recognize the first time he does something she doesn’t like she shoots him in the aid. Satanas’ colossal looks build up for her lack of interest in James Bond Movies of the time. But, I beleive even Bubba the redneck could assume one gawk at her and disclose that, “That’s a commie gape.”
Now Juan, looks like a Hispanic member of the Monkees. He loves to demolish folks with his switchblade. I know this because he appears to have an orgasm every time he makes a ruin.
As for the German Oaf he’s unprejudiced there for Juan to have someone to stick when he attempts to crop Mao and Castro out of Zombie Technology.
One of the coolest characters in the film is Franchot, the Indignant Scientists’ assistant. Since he is mute’ he doesn’t have any lines.
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Carradine, who has been in more movies than I can remember is contantly fidgeting with spurious looking lab equipment and explaining to Franchot what is going on. He does crack me up when he tells Satana he must slay the “crazy” astro zombie, good after re-animating it. Then he says he can focus on the astro man whos’ brain is morally pure. This was five minutes after Franchot pumped Lime Koolade mixed with carbon dioxide pellets into the neck of a splendid, vibrant young woman, stapped to a slab.(Who had her whole life ahead of her.) Makes you wonder what his version of a morally sound mind is.
I first saw A Z abet in my “blurred years” (early 20’s) at a drive in theater. Since I was blurred, there were many gaps in the film. so I purchased the DVD.
If you are a collector of horror/gore genre. I say go for it. But, please remember you are not going to stimulate your intellect with this film.
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